Decisions...

When Sal and I got married in August of 1993, we were young.  I was three months shy of 20 and he had just turned 22.  We started dating in early 1989.  I was a sophomore and he was a senior.  We are high school sweethearts.  Let's be honest, the odds were against us.  We wanted to get married, we didn't HAVE to get married.  I think that we waited a little longer to have kids because I wanted to make sure that the right amount of time had passed before anyone could question that.  We lived in a very small town of thirteen thousand people.  Also, we really did want to travel and have fun and experience life.  Blow our money away and if we had a penny to our name the day before payday, then we didn't have to worry about another mouth to feed.

Sal and I had been married for a little over a year. One night, I was visiting with my parents one and my dad asked me when we were going to have a baby? It surprised me because it was just not something I expected him to ask.  My parents were older.  I was a complete and total surprise. My older sister was 17 when I was born, and my middle sister 11.  I became an aunt at five years old. There seemed to be some urgency in his voice, but nothing that I caught onto at that time.

Looking back, I think deep down he may have felt that his life was going to end sooner than later. Sadly, my dad passed away eighteen days before Kassie's first birthday of a massive heart attack.  He was 61.

After that conversation, I talked to Sal and decided it would be the right time to try.  It wasn't easy. Several months passed with no results.  I did not worry, I knew I was young, and that it would eventually happen.

In January of 1996, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.  I was so excited, and I couldn't wait to share the news.  I was at work and Sal happened to have the day off.  I called a friend of ours that owned a flower shop and asked her to put together four bouquets of pink and blue balloons.  One set for Sal, one for his parents, one for my parents, grandmother, sister and niece that lived in the same home and the last set for my other sister, her husband and daughters.  She delivered them, and everyone instantly knew.  Everyone was so excited.  On my side of the family there had not been a grandchild for 11 years.  Sal's sister had just had a daughter in December of 1995 and his brother a son in November of 1994.

After my first appointment, I was told that my due date was September 16th, 1996.  I laughed, Mexican Independence day.  That will be fun!  It's funny now, but the first thing I needed to confirm was if the due date was within the Virgo range.  Darn, Scorpio's and Virgo's....this should be interesting.

My pregnancy was very uneventful.  Normal morning sickness, not horrible.  My appointments were all within normal limits.  Never any concerns.  Around July, I was swelling a little too much, and retaining a lot of fluid, but again, no concern.  My blood pressure was great, so I had to avoid salty foods.  And granted it was the middle of Summer.  All in all everything looked great.  Her ultrasounds had been perfect.  For me extra perfect.  Her last ultrasound confirmed that she was girl, and that she was going to be a dancer.  From day one she was not shy, it's as if she knew we were watching.  She was on stage.  Showing off and yes, dancing.  I am not exaggerating, she was turned out in second position and was doing plies.  She looked like a little frog.  Every time I was around music, she would "dance" in my belly.  

Once we confirmed that she was a girl, we instantly decided on her name.  It was easy because we had picked her name when we were still in high school.  Kassandra with a K and Paulyna with a Y as her middle name.  We both had always loved the nickname for Kassandra so Kassie it was.  The middle name was for a Mexican singer named Paulina Rubio that I really liked and also super model Paulina Porizkova.  I just wanted to change the spelling a little bit.  As she grew up, she really disliked her name, and always asked why we didn't make Paulyna her first name.  We told her she could always go by her middle name if she wanted, but she said it was too late.  She was stuck with Kassie.

With Kassie being our first, and the first grandchild on my side of the family for a while, she was instantly spoiled.  She probably had about 40 to 50 pairs of shoes before she was born.  Her closet was to be envious of.  At least I was.  I didn't care.  My mom, sisters and nieces went nuts in preparation for her arrival.  Everyday someone would come with a new gift for her.

Sal and I worked on her nursery for a few months.  We even had her pink carpet special ordered.  The theme was carousel horses.  At the time, I loved and collected carousel horses.  I even made a big huge pink bow for the door.  She was to be our present.  Little did we know the complications that she would have.  And that her nursery came so close to never being used.

My new found passion...

I have to start by saying that although I wanted to start this blog four years ago, I decided to wait for the sake of my daughter.  First and foremost I needed to focus on her, I needed to make sure that she was where she needed to be, and that she would be okay with me sharing personal and emotional stories. Fortunately, she is now in college and living in NYC, and so far, she is doing amazing.

The first struggle that comes from having a child with a learning disability, is that you feel alone.
You feel as though there is no one you can talk to, or share your feelings with.  At least that was how I felt.  I want this blog to help parents that feel alone.  I want you to know that you are not alone, and that there are a lot of us out there.

My passion for parents and children with learning disabilities happened four years ago.  It was when I sat at my daughters first IEP meeting for a newly diagnosed learning disability.  Prior to that, I felt that I was pretty smart and involved in my children's education.  I kept on top of their homework and their grades, so I felt comfortable attending this meeting alone.  I knew Kassie was struggling in some classes, but I wasn't too concerned.  I quickly realized that I had no knowledge when it came to IEP meetings.  Nothing could have prepared me for that meeting.  As I sat there with her case worker, her counselor, the school psychologist, and ALL of her teachers, the situation quickly became intimidating, frustrating and confusing.  

I left the meeting confused and extremely concerned.  I sat there and tried to process what I was being told, in what I call another language. I tried to interpret it and still remain calm while trying to come across strong and pretend that I knew exactly what they were talking about.  I had NO clue.

The only words that stood out to me was an IQ of a sixth grader, never will go to college, special education, 5th grade math level, 7th grade reading level, never will go to college, try to help her graduate.  I can still hear them to this day.  Never go to college was the phrase that kept repeating itself in my brain.  It was so much to process, and especially when she was in 9th grade.  To sit there and be told that your child is so behind, and that her chances of going to college are slim to none is heartbreaking.  When I finally made it to my car, the few tears that I couldn't control in the meeting turned into sobs.  How?  How did this happen?  How did she slip through the cracks?  How did I let this happen?  How didn't I catch this?  I felt as if I had failed her.  

This blog is going to reflect a lot of things.  First and foremost, it's going to be about Kassie's chapters.  Because this is not her story.  Her story is just beginning.  These were chapters in her book. She has many chapters ahead of her, and god willing a very long book.  

I'm going to go through the mistakes I made as a parent, and about how parents of young children can avoid the same mistakes that I made.  I'm going to express my support and love for the teachers that helped and loved Kassie a long the way.  And I am going to express my anger and disappointment for the teachers that sat back and watched it all happen and in some cases, made it worse.  I will not mention the teachers by name, because I don't need any lawsuits.  I hate that I can't mention the amazing ones by name, because they deserve nothing but praise.  My consolation with this, is that I know that they do what they do because they LOVE it, and they don't expect or want recognition.  It is their job.   

And lastly, it's going to go through the process of me fulfilling my passion of becoming an advocate for special education children and their families.  Especially Spanish speaking families who are twice as lost in those IEP meetings.  It's not going to be an easy road, because as I start this process, I will still have my full time job, and I will be using all of my free time to read, research and attend as many conferences I can until I feel that I am truly ready to take on my first IEP meeting with confidence that I can make a difference in a child's education, and ultimately their life.  

Fortunately, I have some free time now, because my special education child is away at college, the college she was never supposed to attend.  And with that being said, one of my goals with this new adventure is to make sure that special education students out there, the ones that are being told that college is not an option, can prove to some of these teachers and educators that they were wrong. I want to help fight the stigma of "Special Education" and help these kids feel powerful, and find their self-confidence to face the difficult times.  As a parent of one, I know just how many difficult times are ahead of them, and how many sleepless nights a parent goes through.  There is no pain, like the pain a parent feels when their child is hurting or suffering, 

On that last note, I am going to mention that a child with special needs suffers.  They suffer a lot. They have emotional suffering, self esteem issues, confidence issues and that is just some of it. Is it a life threatening situation?  No.  However, everybody handles situations differently.  I have always had and always will have empathy for other people and their situations.  And although there are kids out there suffering the effects of chemotherapy or other health related issues.  The pain can be just as bad. This is a topic that I will address with a separate post later on.